What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
