There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
