the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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