i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
