I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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