That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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