i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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