she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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