So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
so much tequila, so little girl.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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