Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
