My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
