Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
