i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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