We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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