McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I currently don't understand fingers.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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