Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
