Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
