and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
