Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
