he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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