i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
