Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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