I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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