before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
