halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
