Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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