Capitaan dildo arrescate!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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