my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
