but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
