dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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