Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
