Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
