i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
