I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
