Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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