I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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