I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
