Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize