I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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