Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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