my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
