I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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