I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
