good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
