I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize