Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
