I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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