the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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