i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i think i just naturally attract stoners
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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