Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
