that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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