Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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