the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
