It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
