she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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