I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You smell like stripper and shame
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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