You're earring is so big in my mouth
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
