i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
do herpes really smell.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
