pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
