Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
