He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
